Monday, December 29, 2014

A New Year's resolution for all fishermen

The dawn of a New Year is nearly upon us and once again fishermen everywhere are thinking of resolutions to improve their sport for the next 365 days.
"I resolve to get up each day before dawn and be out on the water to see the first ripples made by a feeding fish."
"I resolve to learn five new knots that will help me tie stronger leaders and therefore prevent fewer break-offs."
Oh, balderdash! You might as well resolve to wear skinny jeans and date a super model. It takes you an entire pot of coffee in the morning just to focus and you don't even know the name of a single knot!
Let's get real. When it comes to making resolutions, you need a lot of help. That's why I'm here. If you want to resolve something, resolve to eat a gallon of pickles. It will do wonders for your fishing next summer.
"But I don't like pickles," you whine.
My goodness, maybe you should first resolve to quit complaining! Will eating a pickle kill you? Of course not. Neither will 50 pickles which are about what's in a gallon jar.
"What kind of pickles? you ask.
I knew you were a finicky eater so I didn't specify. Eat whatever you like. My personal preference would be whole kosher dills. Ummmm! But you could eat bread-and-butters or sweet pickles, even gherkins...
"Could I eat a quart of four different kinds?"
You're a lot of trouble, did you know that? I guess you think that four quarts make a gallon. Or maybe you would like to eat eight pints; that makes a gallon too. While you're at it why don't you go for the limit and eat 64 baby food jars of assorted mashed pickles!
No! I didn't say eat a plethora of pickles from various-sized jars for a reason.  You need the gallon jar!
"But I don't like pickles," you sniff again.
OK! You win! Resolve to eat a gallon of pickled eggs.
Once you've eaten the entire contents of the jar, wash it out thoroughly. It's not necessary but it shows a touch of class to also remove the label.
Next go down in the basement or out to the garage and get your tackle box and bring it inside and place it on the kitchen table beside the open jar.
Then, as some tenor sings Auld Lang Syne on the TV, take each and every lure that either you haven't fished with or which hasn't caught a fish in the past three years and place it in the jar. Now you see why you needed the big one.
It's natural to shed a tear at this time, so don't feel embarrassed. But you can take comfort in knowing that you aren't throwing away these old friends that have accompanied you on so many fishing trips.
No, you are going to preserve them in the hermetically-sealed jar right on a shelf in the den or the garage and use it to regale the grandkids for years to come!
And now here's the best part. See all those empty slots in the tackle box? They're right next to the lures that did catch fish in the past three years. What better time to get more of these proven producers in other colours and sizes than in the depth of winter!
See! Making resolutions isn't so hard once you know what you're doing.

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Joe Overman said...

And here I was thinking this was going to be about the health benefits of pickles. Or maybe the significance of the pickle?
Joe Overman

Dan B. said...

Arlo Guthrie pretty much covered the significance already.

Anonymous said...

I do know of one opening week gentleman that needs to do this. I'm just not sure they make that many jars. You may know who I mean Dan.
Indiana Dave